


When He Breaks

by deanjohnsmith



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-12
Updated: 2013-12-12
Packaged: 2018-01-04 11:17:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1080384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deanjohnsmith/pseuds/deanjohnsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jim Kirk breaks, he breaks beautifully, spectacularly, and whole-heartedly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When He Breaks

“ _Jim, we need to get out of here. Now._ ”

"I’m not leaving without him!"

“ _We have to leave! He’s-_ ”

"We’re not leaving until we find him!"

“ _Jim, for God’s sake, he’s gone! We have to go!_ ”

Gone.

Of course.

All signs point to the fact that there is no way in Hell that Leonard McCoy could have survived the fall. Either, he was crushed by the rocks that had fallen with him, or his body had been irreparably broken as he’d hit the ground, thanks to the height he’d fallen from. Jim wants to have hope. He desperately wants to believe that if he waits just a little longer, or searches just a little harder, then he’ll find the man and everything will be okay.

But everything is not going to be okay.

When they get back to the Enterprise, and Jim breaks the news to the crew on the bridge, he watches the shock reverberate around every single person in the room. It’s clear on their faces, in their body language, in the way that no-one will look at him. It causes an ache deep in his chest, like someone has wrapped their first around his heart and is trying to crushing it with nothing but brute strength.

He knows that if he stays there any longer, watching as the grief settles in amongst the crew, then he’s going to lose his fucking mind. It’s his duty as the Captain to be there for his crew, no matter what, but he just…Can’t. Politely, and quietly, he excuses himself, giving Nyota a _look_ that he’s sure she knows means not to let anyone disturb him.

He makes it to an empty hallway - everyone seems to be off doing their own things, consoling others, which is the opposite of what he wants for himself right now - before the first cracks begin to show.

His legs buckle, a hand quickly reaching out so as to steady himself on the nearest wall, because he has to keep himself standing. Someone could see him, and he’s not prepared to let them see him in a moment of weakness. But oh, what he wouldn’t give to be able to break down there and then, without having to worry about composure. His fist slams hard into the wall, a moment of clarity as he reminds himself that he has to stay strong, just for now, before he moves on towards his quarters.

The moment he gets inside the privacy of his room, Jim Kirk breaks, beautifully, spectacularly, and whole-heartedly.

He doesn’t cry, not at first, but his body begins to tremble. Reaching out a hand to steady himself on a nearby chair, he eventually just sinks down into it. That ache has returned to his chest, only this time it feels like there’s a hole, that’s been drilled down right to his core.

It feels like there’s something missing inside of him.

The onslaught of emotions that washes over him is so sudden, that it feels like he’s been sucker punched, right in the gut. There aren’t even any words to describe the intensity of the loss that he’s feeling as he sits there, alone, knowing that it’s not ever going to be his Southern doctor that comes calling at his door. When it’s time for his next physical, it won’t be his _Bones_ who checks him over, or demands that he needs a hypo to stop his allergies from acting up, it’ll be a replacement.

There’ll be no more late night mess hall visits. There’ll be no more coffee breaks. He won’t be able to ask him about Georgia, talk to him about Joanna, find out all those little things he still didn’t know, and fill in the details.

What hits him the hardest, is knowing that he’s never again going to be graced with a rare Leonard McCoy smile. In those private moments, when it had just been the two of them, and Jim had said something that would make McCoy crack a genuine smile.

When Jim Kirk breaks, he breaks beautifully, spectacularly, and whole-heartedly.

And his doctor isn’t there to put him back together.


End file.
